“Come for the view, stay because you’re still waiting for the lift…” If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to combine a fitness retreat, a culinary gamble, and a suspense thriller all in one holiday—welcome to Monica Isabel in Albufeira. Let’s start with the dining experience… or should I say scheduled feeding. Forget relaxed holiday lie-ins—here, breakfast is served bright and early at 7am. Nothing says “I’m on holiday” quite like an alarm clock and a queue for chewy bread and cold eggs. The food? Imagine if someone described soup to a stranger who then recreated it from memory using dishwater. Points for effort, I suppose. The hotel itself is… an adventure. Built across what feels like several mountain ranges, with about six different blocks scattered across hills, you may find yourself unintentionally training for a hiking expedition. This charming detail is mysteriously absent from brochures. Watching guests with mobility issues attempt the trek adds an unexpected reality TV element. Rooms are large, which is lovely—though facilities are a bit of a “DIY experience.” Fancy a kettle? Ask. Want a bath? Better request the plug too. Hot water is available, but only if you enjoy timed challenges. Showers become a thrilling race against the clock—four minutes if you’re lucky, six if the plumbing gods are smiling. The lifts deserve their own mention. Slow, dramatic, and slightly terrifying, they cling to the building like they’ve made questionable life choices. We spent a good portion of the holiday bonding with other guests while waiting for them—stockholm syndrome may have set in. Entertainment? Unforgettable. Not because it’s good, but because it’s so bad it loops back around to being funny. The real twist: they pass a hat around for donations. Bold move. The only true highlight is that it ends at 10pm. Pools are on the smaller side given the hotel’s size, with the outdoor one doubling as an ice bath. Sunbeds are a competitive sport—may the odds be ever in your favour. On the bright side, the beach views are genuinely lovely, and being right by the sea is the hotel’s saving grace. Dining elsewhere is highly recommended—budget for taxis, because you will need them. And finally, for a touch of nightlife, enjoy the mysterious late-night visitor in the silver Astra who cruises in around midnight blasting music like an entrepreneurial ice cream man… just with a very different product line. Jet2 reassures us the food is “reviewed monthly.” One can only assume they mean briefly glanced at and then ignored. All in all: great views, decent beds, and a holiday you definitely won’t forget… though you might wish you could.